I feel like the summer always encourages the “be the best version of yourself” mentality. You want to be SLAYING in the event of any spontaneous beach trips, pool time, or days on the boat. As we reach the middle-ish of summer, I have been reflecting on summer 2023.
I knew I wasn’t doing well mentally the semester leading up to the summer. I was excruciatingly homesick, and called my mom on various occasions upset about being away from my family. It was out of character. It was year three of college and a little unexpected to be missing home so bad. I knew deep down that I was really struggling mentally, especially in the realm of disordered eating and body dysmorphia. I had been sucked into the fitness influencer algorithm, my feed constantly being overwhelmed with workout suggestions, what I eat in a day videos, suggestions on how to reach protein goals, why you should walk 10k steps a day, what to eat, how to cut and bulk, and more of that type of content. The kind of content that inevitably leads to endless comparisons to the people you see on screen. I was trying to shape my life to look like what I was seeing portrayed online. It quite literally took over all my thoughts. Unbeknownst to me, I had developed an eating disorder and overall, I wasn’t taking care of myself. The scariest part of it all was that the ways in which I thought I was taking care of myself, were becoming increasingly detrimental.
My personality had changed drastically. I wasn’t as silly, I was extremely self-deprecating and very critical of my every move. My mom knew what was up, and on one of my trips to visit home she told me I “wasn’t like my usual self, I didn’t randomly twerk anymore.” It sounds a little ridiculous that not shaking my butt was a cue to my mom that something was off, but she knows me well and was becoming concerned. She encouraged me to advocate for myself and seek help, and so I did. I went to the university clinic and asked them about the HEART program, a service focused on providing support and referrals to students that are struggling. While I did experience some slight improvements, there was a lot of work to be done. I thought that time alone where I was able to focus on myself would be important so I made the decision to stay in my college town to do research and work. While that summer was maybe one of the most brutal 3 months of my life, I do think it was necessary for me to learn more about myself.
Mid-summer one of my besties, Riley, came to visit Blacksburg and while we were chatting, she suggested that self-help/self-improvement was one of my hobbies. At first, I was thinking no way, that is not one of my hobbies??? And then hit the brutal thought that not only was self-help maybe one of my hobbies, but that people close to me were noticing. I was 20 years old at the time, still barely an individual who even knew who they were as a person (and I am still figuring this one out because now I am only 21). But she was right, and it was a wakeup call. I was so focused on trying to fix what I thought was “wrong” with me, when there wasn’t much to fix.
I remember writing down a list of things I needed to do every morning to become my best self. I needed to wake up early, go on a walk before doing anything else, make sure I was drinking enough water, read a chapter of a book, oil pull for my dental hygiene, etc. The list was extremely unrealistic and often led to me feeling disappointed in myself for not completing my to-dos. At the time I did not realize the toxic effect this was having on my mental health, but in hindsight I know that it is a place I never want to get back to. I was bad at relaxing and chilling because my brain felt like it was in fight or flight mode. I had trained it into believing that anything I was doing that wasn’t going to benefit my future self or make me smarter or stronger or leaner, simply wasn’t worth doing. There are a lot of reasons why I might have felt this way, but some of the biggest were just this implicit pressure to excel. I was restless and my mind was racing. I would wake up 5am on days that I had nothing to do and anxiously try to think of tasks to spend my time on.
Towards the end of summer, I had a trip home to visit my family that really changed a lot for me. I had only been home an hour or so and felt disgusting for everything that I had eaten, knowing deep down it was a result of having access to foods I subconsciously restricted in my independent living. I was crying on the couch when my mom approached to ask what was wrong, and I painfully explained to her the problems that had been plaguing me for months. Being the badass-awesome mom that she is, she said it was time to seek professional help. I met with a professional who focused in disordered eating nutrition therapy, who then referred me to meet with a therapist who also specialized in therapy for disordered eating. The support and encouragement from these women undoubtedly led me to make the changes I see in my life today. Through intentional practice and conversation, I slowly learned how to let myself relax and take all the pressure off.
It is somewhat hard for me to share this information with the world, because not many people know the details of my experience. I think my friends knew I was struggling, and we would have occasional conversations about how we were doing, but deep down I felt embarrassed to admit the complete lack of control I felt. I have no doubts that they would have consoled and supported me throughout, but this topic is very sensitive, and I was nervous to impose my beliefs onto them. I feel immense regret for imposing any of my unhealthy habits and comments onto my little sister and feel disappointed in myself for inspiring any kind of belief that our bodies need to look a certain way to be beautiful.
Disordered eating is terrifying and painful to witness, but it happens all around us. I share this story to remind you to not only check on your friends but to lookout for yourself. Be cognizant of what you see on social media and know that a lot of it isn’t real. Be intentional about the media and content you consume. While I am still working on healing, recovering, and understanding how my brain and my body work, I am extremely grateful and proud of myself for the progress that I have made. If you or a friend are in need of someone to talk to about these issues, feel free to reach out. I have also listed additional resources below.
-Kat
National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA):
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Online support groups and forums:
Eating Disorder Hope:
Comments
6 responses to “Hot Girl Summer – Self-care, self-help, fitness influencers, #whatIeatinaday, & more.”
I’m so proud of you for not only seeking help but also choosing to help yourself because at the end of the day, you yourself have to be the one to accept change. Body dysmorphia sucks and simply having a fully functional body is what we should be thankful for.
Hayden,
I agree with you that we need to be thankful for the body we have, and focus less on the body we think we might want. Our bodies show up for us every single day, and it’s only fair that we take care of them!
You are a badass & don’t you forget it! So important to recognize the highs and the lows – and also how far you’ve come. Thanks for sharing<3
Elizabeth, thanks for your constant support and comments on all of my posts. You have helped me in more ways than you realize. all my love!!!!
I hear and feel exactly all those thoughts you’re able to put into writing. I appreciate knowing someone like you has the ability to recognize doubt and strength in yourself at the same time. Work on ourselves is never linear, but I am so happy to hear that you have the mentality, the familial and friendship support, and all these other resources backing you!
Louisa,
Sometimes I think it’s very easy for us to think we experience these struggles alone. While unfortunately that is not the case, there is a sense of relief in knowing that others fight the same fight you do. Thanks for reading <3