I thought I was allergic to nuts but really, I’m just anxious.

I was first introduced to the gut-brain axis (GBA) during my neuroscience degree at VT. We discussed how the brain and gut both influence each other in numerous way such as release of neurotransmitters and metabolites from the gut acting on the nervous system or how mental health conditions like high stress and anxiety can disrupt stomach functions and cause pain and constipation. Until recently, I was completely neglecting this psychophysiological process.

While I won’t be writing about the details of the gut-brain axis, I think simply acknowledging it is a good place to start. Our wellness is holistic, and I believe the title of Bessel van der Kolk’s book explains it perfectly: “The body keeps the score.”

Towards the end of summer, I decided that I had spontaneously developed an allergy to nuts. For context, I have been an avid lover of peanut butter and cashews for years but due to recent stomach pains and discomfort I thought an allergy was at the root of my problems. So, I stopped eating these things and waited to see if it made a difference in how I felt.

The answer: sometimes but overall, no change. I began to think that maybe my discomfort wasn’t an allergy after all…maybe what I was experiencing was a physical response to anxiety and stress.

I’ve continued to have stomach pains, and more recently identified other ways in which my anxiety presents physically. I experience shortness of breath and labored breathing. I’ve been having more intense headaches than usual, and intense pain in my upper back and shoulders. My sleep is disrupted, or I get lower quality rest. I get this feeling that there is something stuck in my throat. My stomach problems are still apparent.

I don’t feel mentally stressed out, and I rarely feel like I have racing thoughts or that I am able to pinpoint one thing that is causing me to feel overwhelmed – so I get really confused why my body is reacting in such noticeable ways.

I’ve been journaling quite a bit about these feelings, because putting a pen to paper is helpful for me and allows me to articulate how I’m feeling while preventing rumination. I know that the root of my stress or my anxiety is likely due to the big life changes I am experiencing. Being in your 20’s is notorious for being difficult, formative, lonely, and so much more. The stress of real life is so different from the stress I experienced during school or as a student AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

The stress we feel when we are in school often comes from wanting to get good grades, perform well on a test or quiz, or the impending project deadlines. It’s caused by feeling overwhelmed from managing a busy schedule filled with clubs, friends, part-time work, etc. There’s little time to stop and ponder, “WHO AM I AND WHAT WAS I PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO? WHAT BRINGS ME JOY AND FULFILLMENT?”

Maybe you did ask yourself these questions during your undergrad or your youth, but I think there is so much more time to ruminate on these questions in the post-grad season of life. The transition from school to real life is BIG because there is no more “semester” or “finals week.” The deadlines dissipate.

For the first time in a while, the structure fades and it becomes up to you how you want to rebuild it. This pressure feels especially heavy for those of us who are working a current job or in a place that we know we don’t want to be in forever. How do we find contentment where we currently are while also trying to build our future?

I personally feel this way, as I am working a part-time-ish job that I know is not my final destination. While I feel very fortunate to have work and income, there’s a looming thought in my mind that I know this is not my end goal. And while the lack of finality is exciting and a sign that there is more to be done, the uncertainty of it all can be hard to settle.

Unfortunately, the uncertainty has the power to consume me. Despite knowing I have the power to make peace with these feelings, some days are harder than others. Some days I feel heavy as I take on the physical ailments of a stressed mind and body. Oftentimes I get more worked up my simply recognizing that I am anxious. Does anyone else relate to this?

I know that I want to feel light and inspired and liberated by my curiosity and assured that the uncertainty is just another feeling. I want to recognize that it is one of the many feelings that I have the privilege to experience due to my complexity as a human being. I am encouraging (and challenging) myself to acknowledge uncertainty head-on, and to embrace it throughout all my endeavors.

But then again, somedays I feel like I would benefit from counseling or medication.

Vulnerability and open discussion about anxiety and stress, especially in this season of life, can be so helpful as it reassures us that we are not alone. It reminds me to check in on my friends, many of which now live far away, who like me are all experiencing big changes. I feel empowered and confident sharing my vulnerability with the world and anyone who reads this blog because I hope it encourages others to lead similar conversations about their wellness.  I know that so many of my friends, peers, and strangers feel the way I do, and it brings me comfort in knowing that despite all our battles, we show up each day and try our best.

I try to focus on taking care of my mental health because I recognize the implications it has on my physical health. I prioritize wellness and try my best to show myself grace when some days feel harder than others. And most importantly, I have welcomed peanut butter and cashews back into my life <3